i tiptoe down the spiral staircase
careful not to disturb the sleeping clouds above me
slowly i descend, careful to not get to the bottom too quickly
too much, too soon, i think
why hadn't i taken my time before?
it was easier to look ahead or behind me
rather than look around at the details that swirled around me
the now they call it, i was too busy to notice it, i was focused on what would be
there comes a time though when all the would be's either already are, or will never be
then what do i look at?
the only way i know how to look at the present details is to pause-- stop-- look, and move on
the now isn't about looking and moving on
it's about breathing, smelling, feeling, touching, hearing, and tasting
the now wants you to live and move within it

I went to sleep lastnight alone for the first time in weeks... I didn't mind being alone, it's kind of nice to stretch out and then curl up without having to choose your side... I still didn't want to get up this morning... and not because you were still laying next to me, because remember I was alone lastnight.. I think the sound of the rain lulls me to a comforting place and it's a shock to be pulled out of that, my body shakes from the inside out almost paralyzing my ability to move.

I finally got what I wanted....

So I said I wanted it so badly I wore nylons...

I've been in a quandry of sorts lately.

I have always been able to make a decision based on how I have felt about it... it's always been something that I've just known,.. this ability has enabled me to always be confident with my choices and to challenge others to be confident in their own choices. I find that it is important to be confident in whatever I decide to do, even if it doesn't look like the best idea, or if people disagree with me.

If I am confident, I don't worry about making the right choice, or wonder what someone else is thinking.. I know that I am doing something that I feel is best for me, and not everyone will understand that.

But the strange thing is, recently I haven't been able to find this confidence that I am so used to having. It's like there might be 4 different ideas or options floating in my head and I'm not necessarily leaning towards any specific one. I'm almost indifferent in some cases.

It's troublesome to me because it's not a familiar feeling. I don't like not knowing how I am feeling about something, or what I think will be best for me. I wonder if it's because I feel a larger sense of responsiblity, and so I can't just take myself into account. I am looking at all of these layers that may be affected, which thus causes me and my all knowing feeling to become cluttered.

It's an interesting thought, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

I think things are going to change soon. Well, to be honest I know things are going to change because I am going to make that decision and make them change!

Then maybe I'll be able to breathe again....

Then maybe I'll be able to sleep throughout the night without waking up every hour...

Then maybe I won't be so sick every single day, multiple times a day...

Then maybe.......

So these things just keep happening, and sometimes I want to pull the knife out of my back and stab them with it.. but I have to wonder if it's just easier to walk away, knife and all.

What about mutual respect? Respect is so important especially when we're in an environment that hardly knows what the word is!

Come on! You don't have to be in a box all by yourself. Misunderstandings take place, and only become bigger and darker when they aren't confronted.

Silence is sometimes the best solution. Choosing to be ALONE might not be such a bad choice. It's better than a lack of respect.

I can't wait to get out of here!

Sometimes I need to take a moment to breathe.

I used to spin around in circles, slow than fast around and around and around until I was completely disoriented and out of control. I used to think that was fun.

I have discovered that good things sometimes can feel so bad, and that bad things can sometimes feel so good.
It's this inner pressure that is all scrunched up, wrapped around your insides. Sometimes all it takes is a moment when you're not paying attention-- and then it's gone.

it's crazy how you can love someone so much that it rips you in half.

I look at myself in the mirror and never really see myself. The mirror is an abstraction of myself.

I lit a cigarette and cried hysterically. I thought I was cracking-- this is it, I've finally officially gone "crazy." I wasn't thinking anything; I wasn't feeling anything. All I knew was that I was hysterically crying and chain smoking a single cigarette and felt absolutely nuts. I wanted to sit in a corner and rock back and forth. Would that soothe me? It was beyond my own control, and I couldn't even explain my own tears.

Sometimes everything makes such perfect sense.
Sometimes it seems like nothing adds up and everything is wrong.

How can it be that way?

I walked to the cemetery today.

I sat on a bench that was placed in a little grove of headstones.

I looked around at the birth and death dates

thinking about these people and the lives they once lived.

Many of the people had died several years ago,

I wondered if people still came to remember them?

Or are their visitors people like me,

who only know them by their name and the years they were born and died?

To know someone doesn't always mean what you might think it does.

I must be anticipating something happening soon because the past few days I have thought I felt little earthquakes. It's a little nerve-wracking because there haven't been any earthquakes. So what am I feeling? Why am I anticipating the rumbling of the earth under my feet?

I got an email today from a dear friend that I haven't talked to in awhile, but it's always amazing to me how connected people can be. This friend ended the email with "Hope you're Thriving." I was surprised to see the word thriving because it's a word that I recently have been focused on. I quickly glanced through my sent box to see if I had forgotten that I had sent her an email sharing with her my thoughts on thriving versus surviving, but I couldn't find one. It made me smile knowing that this person was connected to me and how I've been feeling, without even talking to me.

I've been surviving for a long time now. Surviving is "fine" and managable, but is it really how I want to be living my life? It takes so much energy to live day to day in a survival state. I tend to get through the hours, the days, the weeks but am I enjoying them? Not so much.

Surviving is sometimes a necessary state. I know I went into this mode to get through a challenging period in my life, I felt that I had no choice because I needed to stay where I was, and finish what I started. I had to survive.

But, Now.....

I am sooooooooo DONE with simply surviving! I want to find an environment that I can thrive in! I deserve to be happy atleast some of the time! I deserve to want to wake up in the morning and start my day! I should be exhausted at the end of my day because I've been creative and focused my energy on helping people all day, rather than filling my days with humdrum business.

I need to thrive.

"Fresenius"

To be within walls that have no foundation is scary.

Holes capture words and throw threats at one another.

Mix-matched shards of glass crumble under our feet--

with each tiptoe forward our blood trickles down

until we are knee-deep in bloodied glass-

our own blood marking the walls-

why pit us against each other?

The humdrum filled with daggers and cockroaches-

turn and walk away, rinsing the glass and blood,

simply leaving our bloodied remains behind.

A few days ago I burned myself by accident. It doesn't sound amusing just yet, but when I tell you that I got burned because I was cooking bacon on the stove topless, you might begin to understand. I usually bake bacon in the oven. It's easier, quicker, and I don't have to think about it until it's done. No splattering of oil, no flipping it over, just simply turn the oven on and put the bacon in. I don't know why I decided to cook it on the stove that night, but I did. So there I was cursing under my breath as the oil started to splatter... I quickly ripped my sweater off so as not to ruin it with oil spots, but never even thought about my skin needing protection! **POP** was the sound the bacon grease made as it jumped from the pan speckling my torso and hip! Of course I finished cooking the bacon in the oven that night...