Sometimes I am absolutely perplexed and disappointed with people.

Other people I applaud because they've made such progress.

Finding a balance with insanity is a talent.

Boundaries, yes please.

This was written in May 2008.
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I have been away at the most awesome retreat experience this weekend. It was such a blessing to be a part of a wonderful community of love. We were able to experience or witness almost all of the sacraments during the weekend which was so, so special.

I just wanted to share something that I sorta hit me while I was showering this morning... and since then I have been sitting with this thought, really considering all of the implications.

As some or most of you know, my marriage has been in trouble. As I write that I immediately want to clarify that statement because it feels unfair to say, and yet an absolute truth of the life my husband and I have been living. It's like a double-edged sword. I cherish my marriage, I celebrate my marriage, my husband, my role as wife and yet the amount of pain and sorry, rage and anger, absolute utter despair that it has brought to me is shocking and appalling.

I adore my husband. This is a fact. But I struggle and I struggle and I struggle. I wonder why he won't or can't change, or why he makes the choices and decisions that negatively impact him, me, and us. I'm not stupid though, I realize fully that it is easier for me to point my finger at him and his actions and to blame everything he does for all of the pain I feel, when really I am the only one that can be responsible for myself and my feelings and actions. I participate in the negativity by blaming, by raging, by being mean and name-calling, by hurting myself, by doing a poor job of upholding the role of wife, the spouse that loves, supports, cares, comforts and softens as I hold my husband. See, I don't hold my husband when he's clearly hurting. I get mad. In that moment I just want to scream horrible mean things, in that moment I just want him to be whole again, "fixed", not hurting. And yet out of sheer fear, I shut down; I respond with the opposite reaction, the comforting, compassionate actions, instead I react very closed, hard, and angry.

I've been trying to focus on LOVE. What does it mean to love my husband? How can I be more loving? How can our marriage be more loving? What does my husband need from me? What do I need from my husband?

We have had countless conversations, but it's only been recently (with the great wisdom of my passionately married parents) that we have begun to make the progress, the commitment, and the boundaries needed to remain in this LOVE relationship.

I have always strongly believed that marriage requires commitment more than love. That love is nice, but not always necessary. It sounds crazy to say that, but I guess I like to take a more realistic approach and I just always assume that throughout life you may not always feel love for your spouse, but that as long as you have commitment to move through the ebb and flow of marriage that you would survive side by side.

I think it's because of this belief that I haven't been focusing on LOVE until very recently. I don't think my belief is entirely wrong, I just think I maybe oversimplified the idea. I didn't realize how deeply entangled LOVE is with commitment.

I received the Sacrament of Reconciliation last night. I couldn't tell you the last time I had been to confession. There were a lot of us, and so we were encouraged to think of one main issue or concern that we wanted to confess and one thing that we were thankful for. I won't share my confession in it's entirety, but the primary concern was my failure at being the wife God intends me to be, my utter failure at showing compassion and comfort to my husband, and the way that I have allowed my life to be controlled by anger and fear as my husband and I (bravely?) stumble through this path of addiction, co-dependence, early trauma, and deep woundedness. The priest had embraced me and asked, "Do you love him?" It was such a simple question, yet had such a profound impact on me. I answered "Absolutely I love him." We said a few more words to each other and then he asked me, "What do you celebrate?" Without even thinking, I immediately responded, "My marriage," I then quietly said, .."the irony in that.."

How could this thing that brings me such joy also bring me such sorrow?

I have been thinking about the priest's question, "Do you love him?" and thinking how I absolutely love him, and yet my deep belief up to this point has been on how much love doesn't matter because in the difficult times, in the dark moments, it's about the commitment.

This morning I was showering, still groggy from forcing myself out of bed when God revealed a much larger message to me. It went something like this, "If LOVE isn't enough, if LOVE isn't important, if LOVE isn't what it's all about, then what am I?" Immediately I thought "GOD IS LOVE" and in that moment, that exact moment I realized the error in my belief. It was this deep realization, this opening of my heart, this clarity that made me realize that indeed it is about LOVE, but not just any LOVE but God's LOVE between us, in us, around us. My love is nothing without God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, but with the LOVE of the Trinity, LOVE is absolutely everything.

I need to LOVE my husband. I needed that clarity to finally understand the path that leads me to be the wife that God intends me to be, and before today I thought that I wasn't capable of being the wife that I know my husband deserves and needs, I knew I couldn't be that person by myself, and yet I realize now that we are not called to walk our path alone, but that we are invited to walk our intended path with the guidance and LOVE of God.

Death and Taxes. Oh the irony is killing me. My life is filled with death. It's my profession, it's what I choose to do for a living; supporting the living as they die, what is hopefully a comfortable and dignified death through hospice care.

So death for me is an absolute, it's a fact, a truth, a guaranteed part of life.

Taxes. Oh the joys and sorrows of taxes. How did we get screwed this year? How are we oweing thousands of dollars? I walked into my payroll department and cried hysterically. Taxes are more unknown to me than death. How weird is that! I thought claiming 1 was a guarantee that we wouldn't owe any money. How can I not even be able to claim myself?

I am so upset. I re-filed my W4 today... claiming 0 exemptions AND having them withhold $300 per paycheck. How are we going to manage such a cut per month? There goes all of our plans for the year.

Every. Last. One. Of. Them.

Wow, 2006 is proving to be an amazing year.


I jumped from my familiar semi-comfortable, atleast stable place trusting that I would land on something soft and just as comforting...

I love when I am able to trust and jump without looking to see what I'll land on...

Lastnight the love of my life proposed to me-- I said YES!

i tiptoe down the spiral staircase
careful not to disturb the sleeping clouds above me
slowly i descend, careful to not get to the bottom too quickly
too much, too soon, i think
why hadn't i taken my time before?
it was easier to look ahead or behind me
rather than look around at the details that swirled around me
the now they call it, i was too busy to notice it, i was focused on what would be
there comes a time though when all the would be's either already are, or will never be
then what do i look at?
the only way i know how to look at the present details is to pause-- stop-- look, and move on
the now isn't about looking and moving on
it's about breathing, smelling, feeling, touching, hearing, and tasting
the now wants you to live and move within it

I went to sleep lastnight alone for the first time in weeks... I didn't mind being alone, it's kind of nice to stretch out and then curl up without having to choose your side... I still didn't want to get up this morning... and not because you were still laying next to me, because remember I was alone lastnight.. I think the sound of the rain lulls me to a comforting place and it's a shock to be pulled out of that, my body shakes from the inside out almost paralyzing my ability to move.

I finally got what I wanted....

So I said I wanted it so badly I wore nylons...